Amazon’s tactical apparel selection can get…downright bizarre.
While balaclavas obviously have applications outside of the world of cool-guy kit, it should be noted that these were all found in the tactical gear category.
This confirms our suspicion that if you spend any amount of time clicking through generic and off-brand gear, you’re bound to find some eyebrow-raising items that look more like they were designed by a malfunctioning Metal Gear AI than a human.
But you know what?
We love that.
Let’s get on with some weird balaclavas…
Of all of the sports or hobbies to represent on a balaclava, you’d think whatever algorithm designed this would at least pick one that you wear a balaclava to participate in. To our knowledge, one doesn’t require any kind of PERSEC to shred the gnar, but admittedly we don’t know anything about kite surfing.
We do however appreciate the bold statement of slapping completely unrelated hobby facts on equipment for a separate hobby, and would like to see more of this in the future.
Animal balaclavas are maybe the largest subcategory of ‘weird balaclava’ we’ve uncovered on this cursed voyage through niche face coverings. “But Pew Pew Tactical!” you protest, “Clearly these are just for raves / parties / fetish events! Why are you lumping them into tactical gear?”
Look – if the Chinese computer that made these didn’t want to get made fun of, it wouldn’t have slapped Kryptek shapes on a spandex chimpanzee tube, okay?
It’s like the product’s own product photos lament that they exist. The palpable sense of despair here is overwhelming.
Balaclavas have long been part of the iconic and fearsome black-clad visage of special forces and counter terror groups, but in terms of sheer intimidation factor? We think the AI might be onto something here:
We live in an age where neural networks of increasing sophistication are able to generate a product, produce artwork, and list the item without human input (probably). And yet, we’re still subject to product photos that look like they were taken on a flip phone.
Why? How is this impressive level of .jpg compression even achieved? There are no answers to be found here, however. Only low-resolution disappointment.
Who is any of this garbage for? What sort of parameters is this terrible machine being given that wind up producing ski masks plastered with generic catchphrases you’d find on tacky Kohl’s home decor?
One of our favorite types of bootleg products are those that appear at least marginally aware large brand names but insist on slamming all of them together on an item rather than knocking them off individually. Iconic Louis Vuitton pattern?
Throw it on this knit ski mask. Looks great. Ok, now add the Supreme logo, but make sure it’s in the worst place possible. Aaaaaaaaaand done.
Though the other product photos seem to indicate that this actually isn’t a hunting patterned executioner’s hood, we really like the mental image of someone trudging around the swamps blasting waterfowl with the ghoulish visage of Batman’s Scarecrow.
If any of you mention Pickle Rick in the comments section I’m permabanning your IP.
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What’s the weirdest junk you’ve stumbled upon while perusing tactical wares? Let us know in the comments section below!