OGDEN, UT — DARPA scientists exhumed John Moses Browning’s body and reanimated it utilizing the latest in technology.
“We had to do it. Telecoms were being crippled by the excessive bandwidth utilized by US citizens for the sole intention of comparing 1911s vs Glocks in online gun forums,” explained chief medical officer Dr. Malcolm Einhardt.
Although he declined to give specifics, Dr. Einhardt stated that advancements in reanimation serum included fresh millennial blood, steel barrel filings from Benchmade’s factory, and tears from Hudson Manufacturing investors.
When asked what pitting the reanimated corpse of America’s most beloved gun designer versus the 89-year-old Gaston Glock would accomplish, Dr. Einhardt’s PR assistant said, “Three reasons. Science. What better way to see which gun design is the best? Lastly, the pay-per-view money.”
However, not all in the community are for this spectacle.
xGeckox420errday, 63, moderator of a popular 1911 forum, stated “It’s counterproductive and a waste of public funds to keep stoking the fire of the 1911 vs Glock debate when we all know 1911 are the [interview ends],” before he was the victim of a Swatting accident at the hands of a rival Glock website.
The kickboxing match is set for April 24, 2019 at the Staples Center with The Money Team as its promoters. Pay-per-view prices are set at $45.