New York City, NY — Ammunition manufacturers are posting massive gains this week as reports of toilet paper hoards begin to run dry.
Companies, including Lucky Gunner and Palmetto State Armory, are bracing for consumer shopping sprees, predicting that the remnants of the House of Representatives will pass the $2-trillion stimulus bill to revive the staggering economy in the wake of 8 million senior Americans’ lives being valued more than the stock market.
In light of recent events, the U.S. Department of the Treasury and Bureau of the Fiscal Service have released guidelines indicating the exchange rates of common ammunition calibers as the U.S. Dollar loses value and Charmin Ultra Strong becomes recognized as the official currency of the United States.
- .22LR doesn’t have a lot of market strength, but we’ve seen it making gains in Hormel Chili and Dinty Moore trades. If you’re looking to trade for canned goods that aren’t repackaged dog food, you’ll have better luck in a different caliber.
- The going rate of 9mm is 250 rounds of mixed plinking ammo for one loaf of homemade bread. Considering you can’t get bread at the store right now, you probably want to pay up. You may also find that this round is effective for bartering for name-brand canned foods and most beers.
- .45 ACP is going strong in the toilet paper and hand sanitizer markets–no surprise there. It’s also holding in Lysol trades, but losing ground to .223 so its power there is expected to continue to weaken.
- .223 and 5.56 NATO both are in high demand and are commanding some serious bartering power at the moment. Ultimately, .223 is beating out 5.56 ever-so-slightly, thanks to its versatility. Expect to trade over-the-counter painkillers, cold medicine, or some mid-grade booze for these babies.
- .308 and 7.62x51mm are holding similarly well as other rifle rounds, though they are lacking a bit in flexibility. They make up for that with their stopping power and range, making them a popular round for bartering with folks who’ve headed innawoods or those who have a fascination with creating booby traps. Trade for prescription medications, antibiotics, or top-shelf booze.
- In parts of the country, 7.62x39mm has made strides in popularity and bartering power, thanks to the industry’s 2020 re-discovery of the AK platform before quarantine. For those who’ve embraced the AK trend, this round is fairly valuable, but the availability of it, thanks to its military surplus nature, helps keep the value reasonable. It’s holding value similarly to .223 and 5.56 NATO, but expect a better value when bartering with an AK-nerd.
- There is no reported demand for .224 Valkyrie at this time.
Economist Nelson Latimer commented on the system, saying, “We certainly weren’t surprised that ammunition is showing such a strong market lead at this time. I mean, we personally had hoped that bottle caps would be the driving factor of the post-apocalyptic financial market, but now that we think about it, ammo makes much more sense.”
Local redneck Ernest-Ray Hill weighed in, adding, “Hoo-ee! Ain’t no one ‘round here surprised that ammo been gettin’ traded all pell-mell. Can’t tell you the last time I paid for somethin’ with a dollar bill. In fact, jus’ las’ week I traded this big ol’ bass for a six-pack a’ Coors Light. Let me tell ya, this thing was a honkin’ big fish, it was like, this long!”
Our correspondent will bring you the latest on the market as it changes and they can extract themselves from Ernest-Ray’s enthusiastic description of his latest fishing catches.
Disclaimer: This is a satire/parody post, which may or may not use actual names in quasi-real and/or fictitious narration. So try not to get too butt-hurt about it. Also… April 1st.
What ammo are you stocking up on for the Boogaflu? Wanna learn more? Then head over to the Basic Bullet Guide, where we cover what you need to know about some of the most popular rounds!
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